Cleaning out My Closet - Angel Haze
When I was 10, sh_t, I believed I could fly
I would just flap my f_cking arms and meet with the sky
And in my mind I would invision I was speaking with God
And then I chop his f_cking fist off and beat him with mine
But this is just a f_cking portion of the war with my mind
So I'm a take you f_ckers back into the vortex of time
When I was 7 invision me at the bottom of stairs
And I silently swear that this is the truth no falacy here
See I was young man... I was just a toddler a kid
And he wasn't the first to successfully try what he did
He took me to the basement and after the lights would be cut
He whipped it out in sight of my eyes and forced his cock through my gut
See it was weird because I felt that I was losing my mind
And then it happened like it happened like milions of times
And I would swear that I would tell but then they'd think I was lying
And now the power that he held was like a beacon in mine
So now I got used to it, I put up with the sh_t
And now my hate was so Vocanicly eruptive and sh_t
But this is nothing 'cause I guess he told his friend what he do
And they ate it up sh_t I was like a buffet for 2
And then it happened then at home where everybody f_cking knew
And they ain't do sh_t but f_cking blame it on youth
I'm sorry mom but I really used to blame it on you
But even you by then wouldn't know what to do
And now it happened so often that he was getting particular
And I more scared every time I worked in my speed and ventricular
One night he came home and I was asleep in my bed
He climbed on top of me and forced himself between my legs
He told me
"Hey ray, I see you like them popsicle sticks
So put your mouth on my d_ck and s_ck and swallow the spit"
And I was confused but I was scared so I did what he said
I had no idea the affect it would have on my head
My heart was pumping it was stumping with like tons of my fear
Imagine being 7 seeing cum in yo underwear
I know it's nasty but sometimes I'd even bleed from my b_tt
Disgusting right, now let that feeling ring through your guts
I thought of offing myself I thought of killing these n_ggas
Wanted to take a f_cking brick and push their teeth through their liver
Wanted to smash like the f_cking world and burn it's leftover part
Wanted to rip it out and just f_cking step on my heart
Then I grew up and I wasn't within a reach of these men
But that didn't keep out of motherf_cking reach of my sin
And psychologically I was just as f_cked as they come
I was confused I had to prove I wasn't f_cked from the jump
I was afraid of myself I had no love for myself
I tried to kill I tried to hide I tried to run from myself
There was a point in my life where I didn't like who I was
So I create the other people I would try to become
Sexuality came into play and with as scarred as I was
I was extremely scared of men so I start liking girls
I started starving myself f_cked up my bodily health
I didn't want to be attractive to nobody else
I didn't want the appeal wanted to stop my own growth
But there's a f_cking reason behind every scar that I show
I never got to be a kid so that's as far as I grow
My mental state is out of date and that's how far as I know
My biggest problem was fear what being fearful could do
It made me run it made me hide it made me scared of the truth
I'm not deranged anymore I'm not the same anymore
I mean I'm sane but I'm insane but not the same as before
I had to deal with my sh_t I had to look at my truth
To understand that to grow you gotta look at your root
I had to cut off the dead I had to make myself proud
And I'm just standing breathing living proof look at me now
I made it through everything I made you look like a clown
I'm f_cking great k f_cking hate you n_gga look at me now
And I'm just saying this to tell you there's a way from the ground
The makings of a legend is often hiden in thorns
So just move on and just be strong and just accept what you can
Because it makes your story better when you read it, the end
That's the story of every scar that I show
I made it out this a mean nobody's goten before
I had to open my wounds I had to bleed till I stop
Thanks for joining me here as I cleaned out my closet
I said I opened my wounds I had to bleed till I stop
Thanks for joining me here as I cleaned out my closet
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